The rule or the EXception: Can you ever truly be friends with an ex?
Written by Georgina Forsyth-Read
No!
My instant reaction to this divisive question: absolutely no way.
Exes are exes for a reason. There’s no need to force a relationship post breakup. It puts you at risk of heartbreak, confusion and jealousy. No way.
However, sadly these things aren’t always so black and white. There are definitely situations in which a relationship with an ex might be acceptable or even preferable. If you share a child or a fur baby, for example, it might be quite tricky to co-parent while following the rule of no communication whatsoever.
And what if you were friends before? Why lose a friendship just because you tried to explore the possibility of it being “more than just friends”? Especially if you ended on amicable terms — no cheating, screaming or shouting, just a mutual agreement that what once worked, now sadly does not.
So, maybe there are some circumstances in which being friends with an ex is OK. But how do you decipher whether or not you’re truly friends, or just holding onto something that is no longer there?
Getting on the same page ...
When considering a relationship post-breakup, clear communication and singing from the same hymn sheet is essential. No blurred lines, crossed wires or any other metaphor for miscommunication. Clarity is key. When there are feelings involved, past or present, it is so important that everyone knows where they stand.
This rule doesn’t just apply at the beginning of the post-breakup friendship. This is one situation that you can’t have on a direct debit. Keep checking in, with yourself and your ex, that a friendship is still what you want. Feelings change, and what you don’t want is someone thinking that the friendship could lead to something more, while the other is out dating, oblivious to the fact that feelings may be resurfacing.
Likewise, a friendship with an ex could take a toll on future relationships. It could be difficult, once you start dating again or you begin a new relationship, for your new partner to adjust to the fact that your ex is a part of your life. Once again, communication is everything. And while your new partner can’t tell you who you can and can’t be friends with, they are entitled to feel uncomfortable about the fact that you're out bowling with someone who you used to shag. So, be empathetic to all parties involved and ensure that the friendship is doing more good than harm.
Protect your energy ...
Sometimes, when we come out of a relationship, the connection that we feel to that person is slow to diminish. It’s normal to feel intrinsically linked. A song might play on the radio which takes you straight back to that time you stayed up dancing in the living room when everyone else had gone to bed. This connection can stay strong long after a breakup, particularly if you’ve ended on good terms. You might even feel an obligation to care for them, as you have done throughout your relationship. This is particularly strong when you are the party who decided to end things. Riddled with guilt, we feel it is our duty to reply to texts, explain our feelings (that we’ve been over before) and be a shoulder to cry on for someone who we once loved, and still do love! Just not like that.
This can be really draining. Yes, you may still care for your ex, and yes, you may still enjoy being around them, or want to be a part of their life. You might really like their mom, or their friends, or their dog, and having one foot in the door may make you feel ... better. However, your relationship with that person has ended. It’s sad, but it’s true. And though it may become something else in time, the relationship that you had with them needs to come to an end.
You don’t owe them anything. It’s so important to make it clear that you are no longer their support system. You need to protect your energy and ensure that the relationship ends before a new one can begin.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
When you’ve been intimate with someone, it’s very difficult to reinstate boundaries. It may even feel unnecessary to not touch someone who used to touch you all the time, for example. However, when transitioning from a relationship to a friendship, reconsidering your boundaries is so important.
Not only will this help to ensure that no wires get crossed, this will also protect you from slipping back into old behavioral patterns with someone that you are familiar with. You have to remember that you broke up for a reason. Whether that was your choice or not, something didn’t work. Implementing strong boundaries at the beginning of your new friendship will help you to see this as something different to your past relationship.
Too complicated?
Then change your mind! It’s OK to try and decide that it’s not right for you. Certain exes or situations will be better suited to a friendship, while others will be better left in the past. That’s up to you and your ex to decide, but as soon as it’s not working for you, then respectfully walk away. Kind of like a second breakup, but this time with a friend rather than a partner.
Likewise, if you feel enough time has passed and wounds have healed, maybe it might be nice to reach out to an ex for a friendship. Remember, you shared a moment in time together, so as long as that time was valuable to you, it may be worth having them in your life.
The bottom line is, it’s possible to have a friendship with an ex, but you have to be open and honest with yourself and with them. If you’re holding onto hope that a friendship may be the only way to ensure a second chance, you haven’t let go of the relationship, and a friendship will only make that harder.
The only way to truly be friends with an ex is to start viewing them as such — a friend, rather than an ex-partner. Until you can honestly say you’ve made that shift, you’re holding onto an “ex” rather than having a new friendship with someone you just get on with.
Header photo by (Kool Shooters / Pexels)
