Since You Asked: Dynamics of Fluid Sexual Relationships - What is Polyamory?
While sexuality has been heavily regulated by Western society, it is a part of the human experience that is inherently dynamic and fluid. Our sexuality--everything from sexual orientation to expression--is whatever we choose to define it, and our understanding of our own identities may continually change and evolve over the course of our lives.
In recent years, sexuality has become less stigmatized and more openly talked about. Moreover, sexual boundaries are being expanded and reimagined (in consensual and safe ways, of course). With this redefinition of sexuality also comes a redefinition of relationships and the concept of love. One of the main ways our society has been redefining sexuality and relationships is through the growing acceptance of polyamory.
Polyamory is a consensual form of non-monogamy; essentially just multiple people in a relationship. But it's important to not confuse polyamory with open relationships. There are a few important distinctions to make.
Open Relationships are Polyamory, But Not All Polyamorous Relationships are Open
While polyamorous and open relationships have similar aspects (they’re both non-monogamous), they are not always the same.
“An open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of each other, and polyamory is about having intimate, loving relationships with multiple people,” says Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, MN (Women’s Health).
Technically, open relationships are a form of polyamory, but polyamory is more than just that. In general, the expectations and boundaries regarding an open relationship are different than many other forms of polyamory.
Open relationships typically start with one or both partners wanting to seek satisfaction through external sexual relationships, while still having sex and sharing an emotional connection with their primary partner. In an open relationship, you still have only one partner, so to speak, while in other polyamorous relationships you may love and have a connection with multiple partners. The nature of these relationships typically extend beyond sex.
Another key difference between the two is the presence of structure; open relationships are usually always hierarchical, while polyamorous relationship can be either.
Hierarchical Versus Non-Hierarchical Relationships
A hierarchy manifests in open relationships, while other forms of polyamory are usually non-hierarchical.
Hierarchical relationships refers to when a central relationship is considered more important than others. For example, a husband and wife in an open relationship consider each other more important than their other partners, forming a hierarchy. In some cases, it's more of a descriptor, used to describe levels of commitment rather than the amount of love.
Non-hierarchical relationships also come in various forms, but the main thing that defines them is that no one relationship holds more power than others by default.
Terminology in Open Polyamorous Relationships
Polyamorous relationships manifest in many different ways. Understanding the dynamics of different polyamorous structures can be complicated, but is crucial to know if you’re thinking about polyamory.
“In polyamory, there tends to be more sharing between partners about other relationships as there are emotions involved. A poly group might consider themselves “kitchen-table poly,” which means the whole group could hang out together comfortably. Two poly people might also date the same person, or have a triad-style relationship, and that typically doesn’t happen in open relationships,” says Divine (L.M.F.T., a sex and relationships therapist in Minneapolis, MN) . Let’s dive into some of these terms Divine uses to describe the different dynamics in polyamorous relationships.
Triad/Throuple: A relationship between three people. It might be one person dating two different people or three people all dating one another.
Quad: A relationship involving four people. For example, when two polyamorous couples meet and each person from begins dating another from the other couple.
Full quad: Consists of four people, with each romantically or sexually involved with one another.
Polycule: A whole network of people romantically connected. For example, you, your husband, your husband’s boyfriend, his wife and so on. It's sort of like a spider-web situation, where everyone is inter-mingling.
Solo polyamorous: Solo polyamory means you’re not interested in becoming part of a couple or any relationship with commitment and responsibility. As such, you may be the secondary partner to several people in separate polyamorous relationships, but you yourself don’t have a central relationship or primary partner.
The Bottom Line
Open relationships are a form of polyamory, but quite different from the other common forms of polyamory.
The whole point of polyamorous relationships is to have limitless sexual and romantic experiences, in a consensual manner that respects the boundaries of all those involved, of course. Polyamorous relationships can be whatever you want them to be. That’s their beauty and their objectivity--fluidity. As long as all those involved are feeling safe, are on the same page and have boundaries set, you’re good to go!
Written by Aarna Dixit
